Paris Portal

I don’t recall if a trip to Paris or anywhere in France was ever on my bucket list.  I have no recollection of really daydreaming about being anywhere in France or anything in relation to it or the French for that matter. Well, maybe Lourdes… I think my mom and I somehow wanted to go on a pilgrimage there but that’s about it and after she died it just wasn’t something I really wanted to do anymore.

After my trip to Paris I feel like my life turned around. It’s like I have met my “alchemist” and I have evolved… this person had the Midas touch… though we have never physically touched… he has touched my spirit and blew life into my otherwise dead  shell… my world was transformed since I met him. I wouldn’t really give him all the credit. There’s magic to being in a new place and Europe is breathtaking… Italy was luscious landscape, bursting with culture and history!  Paris is quite alluring, Venice is just so… I can’t even find the words…

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It’s been half a year since that day and I still feel like I am dreaming and I do not want to wake up because it is such a good dream. I feel like I don’t even know which one is real… is this my reality or the one before that trip? Before I crossed that “portal” if you may. I do not feel comfortable to disclose the exact day in September that I feel I have passed through that Paris portal that transformed my life maybe forever  (hopefully not temporarily) but either way, I embrace it because I have been so sad for a long time… I feel like I have lost my passion for life and I forgot what used to make me happy. Then all of a sudden it hit me… I have found joy again… and excitement… and I could not contain it. It was like a drug… and I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling… I had so much energy.

And you know what else… I found self esteem!!! I came out of there the same middle aged woman with wrinkles,  extra weight, love handles, droopy boobs, cottage cheese but this time I didn’t give a flying rat’s a$$… I feel younger, I look younger… I feel like I can take on more stuff on my bucket list… I can’t explain it and I don’t care to… I’m happy and that’s all that matters to me now. I embrace it.

~~~ Namaste MariaeZen

If I Should Die Before I Wake…

 

I used to be scared of death… not because of fear that I might go to hell… I have accepted God as my Lord and saviour a long time ago. I know I’m going to heaven. Jesus died for our sins. But my kids were so young and I just had so much to do… to prove… now my oldest has finished college and my youngest is graduating from high school and maybe joining the military this summer… I’m all set… I think…

I don’t know what happened to me… I took a Euro-trip last year and it seems like I passed thru a portal… yeah, I keep saying that like a broken record… it seems like there was a shift in my brain… in my life… I’m no longer scared of death… there’s not a lot of stuff that scares me anymore… or maybe they still do but I feel like not a lot of things can stop me now. Or maybe I’m just numb? I can’t even use online skates before, now I want to buy my own Harley, go Sky Diving, bungee jumping,  for goodness sakes! WTH is going on???

Just the other night, I was watching this show on TV, a documentary about this 29 year old woman, Brittany Maynard,  who had a brain tumor who opted to move to Oregon (one of only 5 states where death with dignity is authorized) so she can request and receive a prescription from a physician for medication that she could self-ingest to end her dying process if it becomes unbearable. Death with dignity is an end-of-life option for mentally competent, terminally ill patients with a prognosis of 6 months or less to live. It would enable them to use the medical practice of aid in dying.

I’m not depressed or anything… well, maybe I am, sometimes ;-)… but that’s not the point… I’m not suicidal… I actually love my life… I’m happy… I’m grateful… I feel blessed… I like the space I’m in right now…  I just don’t care about dying… or getting injured… unlike before… I always thought of that… if I did this, who’s gonna take care of my kids? who’s gonna pay for the bills… not too worried about that now… oh well, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not Want“… (Psalm 23)

Anyway, I was always adamant about not taking ones own life (or others) because of my Christian belief… however, yesterday, after watching that show, I told my daughter that I may consider it if the pain may turn out to be unbearable. I don’t know. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there… but for now, I’m ready to tackle my Bucket List … Carpe Diem…

~~~ Namaste MariaeZen

La Vita è Bella (Life is Beautiful)

 

 

One of my all time favorite movies is   La Vita è Bella (Life is Beautiful)  by Roberto Benigni. Why am I writing about this? Well, the title speaks for itself… life indeed is beautiful.. there’s so much to be grateful for. And this is really an all-time excellent feel good movie that made me cry in the end… talking about “unconditional love”… this is a great follow up blog. Just imagine all the sacrifices he made so that his child won’t end up with PTSD after this horrific experience. If it were just us normal, regular folks as we like to label ourselves, we’d be nut jobs already having to go through what they went through and we’d be lucky not to be taking anti-depressants for the rest of our lives after that. He still saw the glass as half full the whole time he was at the camp because he had his family and he was blessed and fortunate til the end. Ultimately he got what he wanted… kinda sorta… I don’t want to give away spoilers in case you decide to watch it. It’s an excellent family movie. The power of the mind indeed!

 

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For those who haven’t seen this movie you’re missing out and if you have no plans of watching it, here’s a synopsis…

This was set in a Tuscan town during WW II. A tragic rom-com about Guido Orefice , a Jewish – Italian librarian who starts a fairy tale life by courting and marrying a lovely woman named Dora and their union bore them a son they named Giosue. They lived happily together until the occupation of Italy by German forces. Guido is comical and sharp, making the best from each situation he encounters. When the war started, Guido, and son were taken to the camp and Dora tries to join them but men and women are separated in the camp, Dora and Guido never see each other during the internment. Thus, Guido pulls off stunts, such as using the camp’s loudspeaker, to send messages, symbolic or literal, to Dora to assure her that he and their son are safe. Giosuè who hates to take baths and showers barely avoids being gassed himself because he did not follow the other children when they had been ordered to enter the gas chambers.

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After they are imprisoned in a concentration camp, Guido goes to elaborate lengths to keep his son from understanding the truth of their situation. To protect Giosué from the horror of what is happening to them, Guido employ his fertile imagination to shield his son from the horrors of internment in a Nazi concentration camp. Guido explains to Giosuè that the camp is a complicated game in which he must perform the tasks Guido gives him. Giosuè is at times reluctant to go along with the game, but Guido convinces him each time to continue on. The other prisoners were actually in on it which made it a little less complicated. In this game, certain tasks will earn them points and whoever gets 1,000 points first will win a tank. Guido’s primary goal is to keep Giosué safe at all cost, while he tries to figure out a way to get his family out of the camp and keep the Germans at bay from learning what he is doing with Giosué. He tells him that if he cries, complains that he wants his mother, or says that he is hungry, he will lose points, while quiet boys who hide from the camp guards earn extra points. Guido uses this game to explain features of the concentration camp that would otherwise be frightening for a young child: the guards are mean only because they want the tank for themselves; the dwindling numbers of children (who are being killed in gas chambers) are only hiding in order to score more points than Giosuè so they can win the game. He puts off Giosuè’s requests to end the game and return home by convincing him that they are in the lead for the tank, and need only wait a short while before they can return home with their tank. Guido eventually buys additional time by intentionally getting Giosuè mixed in with nearby German schoolchildren, and briefly working as a servant for the same kids in order to help keep the other officials from noticing that Giosuè is actually Italian.

Giosuè appears to believe his father because of Guido’s convincing performance and his own innocence. Guido maintains this story right until the end when, in the chaos of shutting down the camp as the Allied forces approach, he tells his son to stay in a box until everybody has left, this being the final competition before the tank is his. Guido makes an attempt to find his wife in the midst of the chaos and is caught by a German soldier who decided to execute Guido. As he was being led off by the soldier, while he is walking to his death, Guido passes by Giosuè one last time, still in character and playing the game. The next morning, Giosuè emerges from the sweatbox, just as a U.S. Army unit led by a Sherman tank arrives and the camp is liberated. Giosuè was ecstatic nd is convinced he has won the game and the prize. While they are traveling, the soldiers allow Giosuè to ride on the tank with them and during the trip he finds Dora leaving the camp and they’re finally reunited.

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Thanks for reading… I hope you enjoyed it…

 

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

Unconditional Love

I’ve been crying on and off the last week or so. Grieving if you will. Not from a loss of a loved one but because  my dad  won’t be at my home in the mornings to welcome me from work or when I get up from bed to get ready for work. I won’t be hearing his music as I wake up from my slumber during the day or see him in my garden as I run on my treadmill. There will be no more nightly rosary prayers with him or daily masses for a while… the house will be back to the sad, quiet, chaotic place we’re used to… until he gets back which I hope will be soon.

This is actually the least amount of crying I’ve ever done that I remember. Just because I don’t want to make it hard for him either. I noticed that he was also having a hard time and it seems like it’s really affecting his health now that he’s much older.  I was more worried about  my dad so I had to be strong for him. It’s not easy considering the things I’m going through right now.

I decided to get him a greeting card  because I wanted to give him a little pocket money. I knew he spent the money I gave him when he arrived so I wanted to give him something at the last minute that he can’t spend on the kids. It was just a simple thank you gesture for the things that he did for us and I didn’t even know how to start it or what to write then all of a sudden my hand just wrote away like it had a mind of its own.

I wrote… “I have no words to describe how grateful and happy I am for your visit… then you had to do all these things for me which made me realize what I’m missing. I can’t believe I forgot how it felt to be loved, pampered and cared for. I’ve been doing this for my family for  so long that when you got here I just allowed myself  to be a little “lazy” … carefree… and finally be able to take care of myself… exercise, rest, get some sleep, read, catch up on my favorite shows, blog, call some friends and do other trivial stuff among other things?  So now that you’re leaving, I’m back to reality… but thanks so much for the break from being the “carabao”  [inside joke  😉 ] of this household… haha  LOL    I love you, Papa… You have no idea how much and I thank God for you everyday. Please stay young and healthy and please believe in me and keep praying for us… We love you!!!

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I don’t know what’s going on but for some reason I felt a sense of loneliness…of emptiness…  like after my dad leaves I wouldn’t have a sense of belongingness anymore… a protector… it’s so weird but I’m in a long term relationship (kinda sorta — it’s actually at the end stage of it…  we’re actually wrapping it up… ) but  I just don’t feel the safety and security that a woman should feel in a relationship and I know that it’s important for a man  to know that he’s able to provide that. I don’t even know if he cares.  I have felt so much frustration through the years that I just know I have to take care of business… and I thought that was  the man’s job. To tell us “don’t worry baby, I got you…” and actually deliver…

 

 

 

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

 

 

We Attract the Love we Think we Deserve

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~~~Rumi

Oh-em-gee!!! I started the New Year with a bang indeed! I was just thinking about how unhappy I was about my present relationship and what I was going to do about it as I was contemplating about moving forward with finally formally ending it when I got a call from one of my ex’s  (JB) who says he’s been thinking about me and thought I was the best etc etc {not sharing the deets ;-)}… while my Frenchie was texting me his sweet nothings from Paris on the other line… plus I got a marriage proposal from one of my long time admirers (10+ years) who obviously is still in love with moi. And all of these happened on NY day… what’s a girl gotta do… am I being bad or what??? Oh, sweet and generous Universe… please stop playing with me… I’m already overwhelmed with depression and anxiety as it is. So it may sound like I’m being a player or  indulging in emotional infidelity, however, this is just a harmless spice in my otherwise vanilla flavored life.

Anyway, as much as I was excited about all that platonic “flirtationship” going on … still, I know in my heart that none of them is Mr. Right. funny though that my ex was Mr. Right for a long time. I have never been in a relationship where I felt that both of us loved each other terribly equally after JB and I broke up. We got together years after when both of us were “available” and we got engaged again but I broke it off coz I have “changed” (for the second time, it was my fault and I broke his heart time and again)… it wasn’t like how it used to be… Do I regret that move? maybe… but I have moved on since and I was hoping he has. It’s still great to reminisce about the good times. I can say that he was my best so far if you look at the big picture but I don’t want to dwell on the one that got away coz for some reason I know that as much as he would do his best to make me happy, I know I’m different now and wanted more than he can offer… that’s why it didn’t work out the second time around. Sigh! 😦

Anyway, some time this week I showed one of my friends my Frenchie’s photo and I sighed “Isn’t he a hottie…” and my friend looked at me with a serious face and said… you better not forget who’s the hottie here… it’s you… he’s alright… you can do better than him… you’re the cutie… keep that in mind. It did make me think… I have dated guys way hotter than he is but I feel that he is my “Mr. Right Now”… I don’t know how I came to that decision but I’m thinking, is it the allure of being French? I never thought I would get attracted to French men… definitely not gaga over their accent. (no offense meant.) I’d still rather be with a Latino, British or maybe an Italian though my last Italian bf/fiance kinda smothered me with his attention and sweetness I would not generalize them all though… except maybe for the womanizing gene… haha 😉

I have dreamt many times of going back to Paris and kissing by the Tour Eiffel in the rain or snow. (I am such a hopeless romantic!) I was hoping it would be with my Frenchie but I’m starting to consider him part of the past… he’s just one of the sweetest dreams I had in my life and I’m ready to close that chapter {after all the brain boners I got from our short flirtatious stint… wink wink 😉 } I’m just grateful to God that our paths crossed… he was a breath of fresh air in the vanilla flavored life I’ve been living the last few years… he kinda made it “French Vanilla” flavored when he came into my life…(pun intended) I couldn’t wait til he rocked my world coz I can’t see it going there… I’m not the LDR (long distance romance ) type of chick. I expect my man to woo me and sweep me off my feet beyond the internet. Call me needy but 5,000 miles is insane… I don’t know what I was thinking… it was fun while it lasted…

Anyway, at this point, as much as my heart hurts, I feel that there’s no point to keep it going without anyone getting hurt. If this progresses to something bigger, I know I wouldn’t want to move to Paris (well, maybe… no, not really…) away from my kids and he has little kids and a budding business so I’m not expecting him to move here either. I’d rather end it now while it just stings… it does sting like hell… ouch!!! 😦

So I guess I’m getting off topic… but it’s a scary dating world out there… as much as I get clear that I don’t want to play mind games, looks like it’s not even possible… especially with me being in my 40’s. A friend of mine told me that stats dictate that it’s more likely for women over 40 to get struck by lightning than to meet “The One”.  There’s not a lot of choices in the buffet of available, decent, educated, successful, spiritual, committed men… and the list goes on… Plus I seem to be a really bad judge of character, a poor picker, a frog kisser… etc etc… but I have to change that mindset… See, I have created this negative mindset backed up by statistics. But I know that I can be optimistic about it and magnetize the love I deserve. Thru positive affirmations and vision boards and lists and being mindful, I know that this time around I will find my Mr. Right, my “Mr. Perfect for Me” and be able to spend the rest of my life with him. I will not settle… I will be open-minded and remind myself of the kind of love I’m looking for… what I deserve… what I’m worth… I will work on myself to find that one person that will “mirror” the kind of loving person I am. I will definitely find that one guy made perfect for me by God… the one who will complement my unconditional love. Through prayers and with the help of my angel guides, he will fall on my lap hot and ready in God’s time.

Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

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Extra Help:

BTW, I bumped into The Dating Goddess blog where she has a page with a list of great dating books with reviews. I think this is a great page for women who are clueless (moi) since they’ve been out of the dating game.

LOVE AFFIRMATIONS:

http://www.self-help-and-self-development.com/love-affirmations.html

All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner is the love of my life and the center of my universe. He loves me as much as I love him.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I radiate pure, unconditional love to my partner and s/he to me. We complement each other.
Affirmations for Love
I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday
Affirmations for Romance

I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
I release any desperation and allow love to find me
I attract only healthy relationships

Carpe Diem in 2016… My “Yes!!!” Year

I would like to welcome all possibilities in 2016… I am saying bye to 2015 with my heart full of gladness and gratitude and embrace what’s new in 2016 keeping an open mind about what it’s going to bring into my life. I’m so used to assessing and calculating the risks I take on in my life stepping on eggshells as I move forward and being directed by fear and anxiety but I have now made a conscious decision to let go of that fear (or at least conquer it).

I have let opportunities go past me many times in my life because of fear. Most of them related to my girls and mental “programs” or “limiting beliefs” I grew up with… I wanted to try new stuff or buy things but I always think I have to prioritize my kid’s needs or that I may get injured in the process and I might not be able to work and put food on the table. But now that they’re big enough I feel more comfortable and courageous. I feel that I can start thinking about myself and taking care of my needs.

Now I ask myself… “How can I conquer fear?” It has paralyzed me for a long time that it has become my default setting. I don’t really have a plan… but I know that I have suffered long enough from “analysis paralysis” so that’s one thing I know I should make a shift on… I will catch and stop myself from analyzing too much and JUST DO IT!… whatever it is… I am so excited to finally work on the big items on my Bucket List. The one’s I have put off long enough for reasons that I can’t even think of. The one’s that scare me… this is going to be my “Yes! year…” and I started it with going back to grad school. I’m so scared I can’t even describe it. I have put it off for about 2 decades and now it’s staring me in the face. I’m terrified alright…

I am also making a conscious decision to allow and attract the LOVE I deserve in my life. I’m going to start working on myself to break the cycle of attracting men that are not emotionally mature or evolved. I would like to be a magnet for “kings“… I have to stop “settling” thinking that … no , in fear of… never getting anything better. God wants us to be happy and we just have to have faith that whoever or whatever comes from Him will fall on our lap, effortlessly in His time.

Michael Hyatt has said, “Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear.” So for 2016, I will muster enough courage or maybe not even think about it… just dive in the deep end and swim… or float… either way, I will seize the day… Carpe Diem! and I have to live with a lot less rules and just “LIVE”… be in the moment… be mindful and conscious of the PRESENT… the “Here & Now”… Have time to stop and feed my senses… touch, smell, see, feel, taste.

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

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