āYour task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.ā ~~~Rumi
Oh-em-gee!!! I started the New Year with a bang indeed! I was just thinking about how unhappy I was about my present relationship and what I was going to do about it as I was contemplating about moving forward with finally formally ending it when I got a call from one of my exās Ā (JB) who says heās been thinking about me and thought I was the best etc etc {not sharing the deets ;-)}ā¦ while my Frenchie was texting me his sweet nothings from Paris on the other lineā¦ plus I got a marriage proposal from one of my long time admirers (10+ years) who obviously is still in love with moi. And all of these happened on NY dayā¦ whatās a girl gotta doā¦ am I being bad or what??? Oh, sweet and generous Universe… please stop playing with me… I’m already overwhelmed with depression and anxiety as it is. So it may sound like I’m being a player or Ā indulging in emotional infidelity, however, this is just a harmless spice in my otherwise vanilla flavored life.
Anyway, as much as I was excited about all that platonic “flirtationship” going on ā¦ still, I know in my heart that none of them is Mr. Right. funny though that my ex was Mr. Right for a long time. I have never been in a relationship where I felt that both of us loved each other terribly equally after JB and I broke up. We got together years after when both of us were “available” and we got engaged again but I broke it off coz I have “changed” (for the second time, it was my fault and I broke his heart time and again)ā¦ it wasnāt like how it used to beā¦ Do I regret that move? maybeā¦ but I have moved on since and I was hoping he has. Itās still great to reminisce about the good times. I can say that he was my best so far if you look at the big picture but I donāt want to dwell on the one that got away coz for some reason I know that as much as he would do his best to make me happy, I know Iām different now and wanted more than he can offerā¦ thatās why it didnāt work out the second time around. Sigh! š¦
Anyway, some time this week I showed one of my friends my Frenchieās photo and I sighed āIsnāt he a hottieā¦ā and my friend looked at me with a serious face and saidā¦ you better not forget whoās the hottie hereā¦ itās youā¦ heās alrightā¦ you can do better than himā¦ youāre the cutieā¦ keep that in mind. It did make me thinkā¦ I have dated guys way hotter than he is but I feel that he is my āMr. Right Nowāā¦ I donāt know how I came to that decision but Iām thinking, is it the allure of being French? I never thought I would get attracted to French menā¦ definitely not gaga over their accent. (no offense meant.) Iād still rather be with a Latino, British or maybe an Italian though my last Italian bf/fiance kinda smothered me with his attention and sweetness I would not generalize them all thoughā¦ except maybe for the womanizing geneā¦ haha š
I have dreamt many times of going back to Paris and kissing by the Tour Eiffel in the rain or snow. (I am such a hopeless romantic!) I was hoping it would be with my Frenchie but Iām starting to consider him part of the pastā¦ heās just one of the sweetest dreams I had in my life and Iām ready to close that chapter {after all the brain boners I got from our short flirtatious stintā¦ wink wink š } Iām just grateful to God that our paths crossedā¦ he was a breath of fresh air in the vanilla flavored life Iāve been living the last few yearsā¦ he kinda made it “French Vanilla” flavored when he came into my lifeā¦(pun intended) I couldnāt wait til he rocked my world coz I canāt see it going thereā¦ Iām not the LDR (long distance romance ) type of chick. I expect my man to woo me and sweep me off my feet beyond the internet. Call me needy but 5,000 miles is insaneā¦ I donāt know what I was thinkingā¦ it was fun while it lasted…
Anyway, at this point, as much as my heart hurts, I feel that thereās no point to keep it going without anyone getting hurt. If this progresses to something bigger, I know I wouldnāt want to move to Paris (well, maybeā¦ no, not reallyā¦) away from my kids and he has little kids and a budding business so Iām not expecting him to move here either. Iād rather end it now while it just stingsā¦ it does sting like hellā¦ ouch!!! š¦
So I guess Iām getting off topicā¦ but itās a scary dating world out thereā¦ as much as I get clear that I donāt want to play mind games, looks like itās not even possibleā¦ especially with me being in my 40ās. A friend of mine told me that stats dictate that it’s more likely for women over 40 to get struck by lightning than to meet “The One”.Ā Thereās not a lot of choices in the buffet of available, decent, educated, successful, spiritual, committed men… and the list goes on… Plus I seem to be a really bad judge of character, a poor picker, a frog kisserā¦ etc etcā¦ but I have to change that mindsetā¦ See, I have created this negative mindset backed up by statistics. But I know that I can be optimistic about it and magnetize the love I deserve. Thru positive affirmations and vision boards and lists and being mindful, I know that this time around I will find my Mr. Right, my “Mr. Perfect for Me” and be able to spend the rest of my life with him. I will not settleā¦ I will be open-minded and remind myself of the kind of love Iām looking forā¦ what I deserveā¦ what Iām worthā¦ I will work on myself to find that one person that will āmirrorā the kind of loving person I am. I will definitely find that one guy made perfect for me by Godā¦ the one who will complement my unconditional love. Through prayers and with the help of my angel guides, he will fall on my lap hot and ready in Godās time.
Namaste ā¤ MariaeZen
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Extra Help:
BTW, I bumped into The Dating Goddess blog where she has a page with a list of great dating books with reviews. I think this is a great page for women who are clueless (moi) since theyāve been out of the dating game.
LOVE AFFIRMATIONS:
http://www.self-help-and-self-development.com/love-affirmations.html
All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner is the love of my life and the center of my universe. He loves me as much as I love him.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I radiate pure, unconditional love to my partner and s/he to me. We complement each other.
Affirmations for Love
I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday
Affirmations for Romance
I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
I release any desperation and allow love to find me
I attract only healthy relationships