Paris Portal

I don’t recall if a trip to Paris or anywhere in France was ever on my bucket list.  I have no recollection of really daydreaming about being anywhere in France or anything in relation to it or the French for that matter. Well, maybe Lourdes… I think my mom and I somehow wanted to go on a pilgrimage there but that’s about it and after she died it just wasn’t something I really wanted to do anymore.

After my trip to Paris I feel like my life turned around. It’s like I have met my “alchemist” and I have evolved… this person had the Midas touch… though we have never physically touched… he has touched my spirit and blew life into my otherwise dead  shell… my world was transformed since I met him. I wouldn’t really give him all the credit. There’s magic to being in a new place and Europe is breathtaking… Italy was luscious landscape, bursting with culture and history!  Paris is quite alluring, Venice is just so… I can’t even find the words…

It’s been half a year since that day and I still feel like I am dreaming and I do not want to wake up because it is such a good dream. I feel like I don’t even know which one is real… is this my reality or the one before that trip? Before I crossed that “portal” if you may. I do not feel comfortable to disclose the exact day in September that I feel I have passed through that Paris portal that transformed my life maybe forever  (hopefully not temporarily) but either way, I embrace it because I have been so sad for a long time… I feel like I have lost my passion for life and I forgot what used to make me happy. Then all of a sudden it hit me… I have found joy again… and excitement… and I could not contain it. It was like a drug… and I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling… I had so much energy.

And you know what else… I found self esteem!!! I came out of there the same middle aged woman with wrinkles,  extra weight, love handles, droopy boobs, cottage cheese but this time I didn’t give a flying rat’s a$$… I feel younger, I look younger… I feel like I can take on more stuff on my bucket list… I can’t explain it and I don’t care to… I’m happy and that’s all that matters to me now. I embrace it.

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

If I Should Die Before I Wake…

 

I used to be scared of death… not because of fear that I might go to hell… I have accepted God as my Lord and saviour a long time ago. I know I’m going to heaven. Jesus died for our sins. But my kids were so young and I just had so much to do… to prove… now my oldest has finished college and my youngest is graduating from high school and maybe joining the military this summer… I’m all set… I think…

I don’t know what happened to me… I took a Euro-trip last year and it seems like I passed thru a portal… yeah, I keep saying that like a broken record… it seems like there was a shift in my brain… in my life… I’m no longer scared of death… there’s not a lot of stuff that scares me anymore… or maybe they still do but I feel like not a lot of things can stop me now. Or maybe I’m just numb? I can’t even use online skates before, now I want to buy my own Harley, go Sky Diving, bungee jumping,  for goodness sakes! WTH is going on???

Just the other night, I was watching this show on TV, a documentary about this 29 year old woman, Brittany Maynard,  who had a brain tumor who opted to move to Oregon (one of only 5 states where death with dignity is authorized) so she can request and receive a prescription from a physician for medication that she could self-ingest to end her dying process if it becomes unbearable. Death with dignity is an end-of-life option for mentally competent, terminally ill patients with a prognosis of 6 months or less to live. It would enable them to use the medical practice of aid in dying.

I’m not depressed or anything… well, maybe I am, sometimes ;-)… but that’s not the point… I’m not suicidal… I actually love my life… I’m happy… I’m grateful… I feel blessed… I like the space I’m in right now…  I just don’t care about dying… or getting injured… unlike before… I always thought of that… if I did this, who’s gonna take care of my kids? who’s gonna pay for the bills… not too worried about that now… oh well, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not Want“… (Psalm 23)

Anyway, I was always adamant about not taking ones own life (or others) because of my Christian belief… however, yesterday, after watching that show, I told my daughter that I may consider it if the pain may turn out to be unbearable. I don’t know. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there… but for now, I’m ready to tackle my Bucket List … Carpe Diem…

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen

Carpe Diem in 2016… My “Yes!!!” Year

I would like to welcome all possibilities in 2016… I am saying bye to 2015 with my heart full of gladness and gratitude and embrace what’s new in 2016 keeping an open mind about what it’s going to bring into my life. I’m so used to assessing and calculating the risks I take on in my life stepping on eggshells as I move forward and being directed by fear and anxiety but I have now made a conscious decision to let go of that fear (or at least conquer it).

I have let opportunities go past me many times in my life because of fear. Most of them related to my girls and mental “programs” or “limiting beliefs” I grew up with… I wanted to try new stuff or buy things but I always think I have to prioritize my kid’s needs or that I may get injured in the process and I might not be able to work and put food on the table. But now that they’re big enough I feel more comfortable and courageous. I feel that I can start thinking about myself and taking care of my needs.

Now I ask myself… “How can I conquer fear?” It has paralyzed me for a long time that it has become my default setting. I don’t really have a plan… but I know that I have suffered long enough from “analysis paralysis” so that’s one thing I know I should make a shift on… I will catch and stop myself from analyzing too much and JUST DO IT!… whatever it is… I am so excited to finally work on the big items on my Bucket List. The one’s I have put off long enough for reasons that I can’t even think of. The one’s that scare me… this is going to be my “Yes! year…” and I started it with going back to grad school. I’m so scared I can’t even describe it. I have put it off for about 2 decades and now it’s staring me in the face. I’m terrified alright…

I am also making a conscious decision to allow and attract the LOVE I deserve in my life. I’m going to start working on myself to break the cycle of attracting men that are not emotionally mature or evolved. I would like to be a magnet for “kings“… I have to stop “settling” thinking that … no , in fear of… never getting anything better. God wants us to be happy and we just have to have faith that whoever or whatever comes from Him will fall on our lap, effortlessly in His time.

Michael Hyatt has said, “Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear.” So for 2016, I will muster enough courage or maybe not even think about it… just dive in the deep end and swim… or float… either way, I will seize the day… Carpe Diem! and I have to live with a lot less rules and just “LIVE”… be in the moment… be mindful and conscious of the PRESENT… the “Here & Now”… Have time to stop and feed my senses… touch, smell, see, feel, taste.

~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen