I’ve been crying on and off the last week or so. Grieving if you will. Not from a loss of a loved one but because my dad won’t be at my home in the mornings to welcome me from work or when I get up from bed to get ready for work. I won’t be hearing his music as I wake up from my slumber during the day or see him in my garden as I run on my treadmill. There will be no more nightly rosary prayers with him or daily masses for a while… the house will be back to the sad, quiet, chaotic place we’re used to… until he gets back which I hope will be soon.
This is actually the least amount of crying I’ve ever done that I remember. Just because I don’t want to make it hard for him either. I noticed that he was also having a hard time and it seems like it’s really affecting his health now that he’s much older. I was more worried about my dad so I had to be strong for him. It’s not easy considering the things I’m going through right now.
I decided to get him a greeting card because I wanted to give him a little pocket money. I knew he spent the money I gave him when he arrived so I wanted to give him something at the last minute that he can’t spend on the kids. It was just a simple thank you gesture for the things that he did for us and I didn’t even know how to start it or what to write then all of a sudden my hand just wrote away like it had a mind of its own.
I wrote… “I have no words to describe how grateful and happy I am for your visit… then you had to do all these things for me which made me realize what I’m missing. I can’t believe I forgot how it felt to be loved, pampered and cared for. I’ve been doing this for my family for so long that when you got here I just allowed myself to be a little “lazy” … carefree… and finally be able to take care of myself… exercise, rest, get some sleep, read, catch up on my favorite shows, blog, call some friends and do other trivial stuff among other things? So now that you’re leaving, I’m back to reality… but thanks so much for the break from being the “carabao” [inside joke 😉 ] of this household… haha LOL I love you, Papa… You have no idea how much and I thank God for you everyday. Please stay young and healthy and please believe in me and keep praying for us… We love you!!! ”
I don’t know what’s going on but for some reason I felt a sense of loneliness…of emptiness… like after my dad leaves I wouldn’t have a sense of belongingness anymore… a protector… it’s so weird but I’m in a long term relationship (kinda sorta — it’s actually at the end stage of it… we’re actually wrapping it up… ) but I just don’t feel the safety and security that a woman should feel in a relationship and I know that it’s important for a man to know that he’s able to provide that. I don’t even know if he cares. I have felt so much frustration through the years that I just know I have to take care of business… and I thought that was the man’s job. To tell us “don’t worry baby, I got you…” and actually deliver…
~~~ Namaste ❤ MariaeZen