If I Should Die Before I Wake…


I used to be scared of death… not because of fear that I might go to hell… I have accepted God as my Lord and saviour a long time ago. I know I’m going to heaven. Jesus died for our sins. But my kids were so young and I just had so much to do… to prove… now my oldest has finished college and my youngest is graduating from high school and maybe joining the military this summer… I’m all set… I think…

I don’t know what happened to me… I took a Euro-trip last year and it seems like I passed thru a portal… yeah, I keep saying that like a broken record… it seems like there was a shift in my brain… in my life… I’m no longer scared of death… there’s not a lot of stuff that scares me anymore… or maybe they still do but I feel like not a lot of things can stop me now. Or maybe I’m just numb? I can’t even use online skates before, now I want to buy my own Harley, go Sky Diving, bungee jumping,  for goodness sakes! WTH is going on???

Just the other night, I was watching this show on TV, a documentary about this 29 year old woman, Brittany Maynard,  who had a brain tumor who opted to move to Oregon (one of only 5 states where death with dignity is authorized) so she can request and receive a prescription from a physician for medication that she could self-ingest to end her dying process if it becomes unbearable. Death with dignity is an end-of-life option for mentally competent, terminally ill patients with a prognosis of 6 months or less to live. It would enable them to use the medical practice of aid in dying.

I’m not depressed or anything… well, maybe I am, sometimes ;-)… but that’s not the point… I’m not suicidal… I actually love my life… I’m happy… I’m grateful… I feel blessed… I like the space I’m in right now…  I just don’t care about dying… or getting injured… unlike before… I always thought of that… if I did this, who’s gonna take care of my kids? who’s gonna pay for the bills… not too worried about that now… oh well, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not Want“… (Psalm 23)

Anyway, I was always adamant about not taking ones own life (or others) because of my Christian belief… however, yesterday, after watching that show, I told my daughter that I may consider it if the pain may turn out to be unbearable. I don’t know. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there… but for now, I’m ready to tackle my Bucket List … Carpe Diem…

~~~ Namaste MariaeZen


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