We Attract the Love we Think we Deserve

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~~~Rumi

Oh-em-gee!!! I started the New Year with a bang indeed! I was just thinking about how unhappy I was about my present relationship and what I was going to do about it as I was contemplating about moving forward with finally formally ending it when I got a call from one of my ex’s  (JB) who says he’s been thinking about me and thought I was the best etc etc {not sharing the deets ;-)}… while my Frenchie was texting me his sweet nothings from Paris on the other line… plus I got a marriage proposal from one of my long time admirers (10+ years) who obviously is still in love with moi. And all of these happened on NY day… what’s a girl gotta do… am I being bad or what??? Oh, sweet and generous Universe… please stop playing with me… I’m already overwhelmed with depression and anxiety as it is. So it may sound like I’m being a player or  indulging in emotional infidelity, however, this is just a harmless spice in my otherwise vanilla flavored life.

Anyway, as much as I was excited about all that platonic “flirtationship” going on … still, I know in my heart that none of them is Mr. Right. funny though that my ex was Mr. Right for a long time. I have never been in a relationship where I felt that both of us loved each other terribly equally after JB and I broke up. We got together years after when both of us were “available” and we got engaged again but I broke it off coz I have “changed” (for the second time, it was my fault and I broke his heart time and again)… it wasn’t like how it used to be… Do I regret that move? maybe… but I have moved on since and I was hoping he has. It’s still great to reminisce about the good times. I can say that he was my best so far if you look at the big picture but I don’t want to dwell on the one that got away coz for some reason I know that as much as he would do his best to make me happy, I know I’m different now and wanted more than he can offer… that’s why it didn’t work out the second time around. Sigh! 😦

Anyway, some time this week I showed one of my friends my Frenchie’s photo and I sighed “Isn’t he a hottie…” and my friend looked at me with a serious face and said… you better not forget who’s the hottie here… it’s you… he’s alright… you can do better than him… you’re the cutie… keep that in mind. It did make me think… I have dated guys way hotter than he is but I feel that he is my “Mr. Right Now”… I don’t know how I came to that decision but I’m thinking, is it the allure of being French? I never thought I would get attracted to French men… definitely not gaga over their accent. (no offense meant.) I’d still rather be with a Latino, British or maybe an Italian though my last Italian bf/fiance kinda smothered me with his attention and sweetness I would not generalize them all though… except maybe for the womanizing gene… haha 😉

I have dreamt many times of going back to Paris and kissing by the Tour Eiffel in the rain or snow. (I am such a hopeless romantic!) I was hoping it would be with my Frenchie but I’m starting to consider him part of the past… he’s just one of the sweetest dreams I had in my life and I’m ready to close that chapter {after all the brain boners I got from our short flirtatious stint… wink wink 😉 } I’m just grateful to God that our paths crossed… he was a breath of fresh air in the vanilla flavored life I’ve been living the last few years… he kinda made it “French Vanilla” flavored when he came into my life…(pun intended) I couldn’t wait til he rocked my world coz I can’t see it going there… I’m not the LDR (long distance romance ) type of chick. I expect my man to woo me and sweep me off my feet beyond the internet. Call me needy but 5,000 miles is insane… I don’t know what I was thinking… it was fun while it lasted…

Anyway, at this point, as much as my heart hurts, I feel that there’s no point to keep it going without anyone getting hurt. If this progresses to something bigger, I know I wouldn’t want to move to Paris (well, maybe… no, not really…) away from my kids and he has little kids and a budding business so I’m not expecting him to move here either. I’d rather end it now while it just stings… it does sting like hell… ouch!!! 😦

So I guess I’m getting off topic… but it’s a scary dating world out there… as much as I get clear that I don’t want to play mind games, looks like it’s not even possible… especially with me being in my 40’s. A friend of mine told me that stats dictate that it’s more likely for women over 40 to get struck by lightning than to meet “The One”.  There’s not a lot of choices in the buffet of available, decent, educated, successful, spiritual, committed men… and the list goes on… Plus I seem to be a really bad judge of character, a poor picker, a frog kisser… etc etc… but I have to change that mindset… See, I have created this negative mindset backed up by statistics. But I know that I can be optimistic about it and magnetize the love I deserve. Thru positive affirmations and vision boards and lists and being mindful, I know that this time around I will find my Mr. Right, my “Mr. Perfect for Me” and be able to spend the rest of my life with him. I will not settle… I will be open-minded and remind myself of the kind of love I’m looking for… what I deserve… what I’m worth… I will work on myself to find that one person that will “mirror” the kind of loving person I am. I will definitely find that one guy made perfect for me by God… the one who will complement my unconditional love. Through prayers and with the help of my angel guides, he will fall on my lap hot and ready in God’s time.

Namaste ❤ MariaeZen


Extra Help:

BTW, I bumped into The Dating Goddess blog where she has a page with a list of great dating books with reviews. I think this is a great page for women who are clueless (moi) since they’ve been out of the dating game.



All my relationships are long lasting and loving.
My partner is the love of my life and the center of my universe. He loves me as much as I love him.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I radiate pure, unconditional love to my partner and s/he to me. We complement each other.
Affirmations for Love
I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday
Affirmations for Romance

I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
I release any desperation and allow love to find me
I attract only healthy relationships


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